My desire became strong and forceful. I was scared to lose her again so for years felt that I had to defend her from all my boyfriends. I practiced open relationship and was highly sensitive to a man asking me to slow down or to not make out with a particular person, etc. I wanted very much to go deep with one person, and I wanted very much to have a wide open playing field where I could do what I wanted with others as well. My desire was a killer; she was a victim; she was a perpetrator and she was still fragile, too. Still I carried with me the fear that to tamp her down even once meant that she might be put back in the zoo again to die the slow death of a caged animal.

I think I remember being a child and having it be that my desire was my world, in a sense. There was no division or hesitation. There was yes of course I want to do that! And wait where are we…oh I love this place too! And look at this thing over here, this is amazing. And look there’s a little girl my age – now she’s my new best friend, mom! Sometimes there was envy at other children having toys I didn’t have. But then the next thing would take my attention and absorb me fully into it and I would forget the not-having.

I’ve got a definition of reconciliation. I say reconciliation is “the reestablishment of coherent equilibrium in a relationship.” That’s my definition. I’ve said over and over again. I’ve read it over and over again and it works for me. As part of the OM Reconciliation Council, I have the honor and task of periodically sharing conversations with community members who are attempting to resolve conflicts in their relationships. I reference my definition when engaged in these community conversations.

I scattered the pieces of my being so that no one could find me.

And then I couldn’t find me and that devestation forced me into the greatest hell I have ever known.

I hit rock bottom.

And I stayed there till I was ready to wake up.

FOREVER exists in moments.

You might be breathing, but that doesn’t mean you are in your experiences, embodying your life. It doesn’t mean you know who you are, what you want and need or what your real values are.

I never intended to become a blogger.

I never knew that the words in my heart would be out there for the whole world to see, judge, or project on to.

I didn’t start writing one day and think I want people to hear my voice and resonate with me.

I wrote to hear my own voice.

I wrote so that the part of me that I don’t always stop long enough to engage or listen to, could finally be heard.

I see ‘ghosting’ as a major cry for help in two directions.

In a situation where ‘ghosting’ occurs there is the person being ghosted and the ghoster.

Both parties need to be addressed in this situation for this issue reflects something unconscious in both parties.

WE NEED TO MATURE OUR HURTFUL, DISCONNECTED BEHAVIORS AS INDIVIDUALS FIRST AND THEN COLLECTIVELY.

Avoidance does not make better human beings, it creates cowardly and emotionally inept humans who cannot confront problems, issues, crises, or the ramifications of their own actions. It creates victimizers who don’t even understand the full scope of their recklessness, and a trail of hurt hearts in their wake.

If you are getting ghosted and it hurts you, acknowledge your pain and the gravity of how you feel. Make. No. Mistake. This behavior is fucked up. No matter what someone else does, DO NOT make someone else’s emotional crimes your reality. DO NOT TAKE SOMEONE ELSE’S SHITTY BEHAVIOR PERSONALLY. How someone chooses to behave is about them, not you.

Neither were dating other people, but the official “official” convo hadn’t happened yet.

Zoe and Jake spent almost every weekend together. He even let her keep some personal items at his place, and she kept his favorite post orgasm snacks, for when he was ravenous after sex, stocked in the fridge. He often needed to raid her refrigerator after a big blow and being the thoughtful gal Zoe was, she remembered his needs and acted accordingly, just to let him know just how much she cared.